Sometimes, it isn’t a matter of not knowing where I’m going, it’s just a matter of how I’m going to get there. I occasionally will look at where I am in life and wonder how the hell I got there – but I figure that if I am here and I’m alive and well than this must be where I am meant to stay. And that’s difficult, sometimes, if it differs from where I thought I’d be. I look around and see people and I think that they have such a good hold on their life. It seems like all these faces around me know what they want to do and how to get there and they’re just following the map down the road to their desired destination. I’m sure they too have issues and worries and fears – but from the outside, it’s scary to be in a place of struggle and uncertainty when your friends and peers seem to have such a grasp on where they want to be.
Here, at nearly twenty years old, I didn’t think I’d look like this. I didn’t think I’d dress like this. I didn’t think I’d be into the things I’m into. I didn’t think I would be at the job I’m at, have the friends I have, be in the relationship I’m in… and the thing is, I didn’t think a lot of this merely six months ago. I was a vastly different person just last year and while I enjoy where I am – I’m in the best relationship I’ve ever been in, I’m healthy and look better than ever, I have more opportunity than I probably ever have – what’s frightening is the fact that I have no clue how I got here.
I feel like I don’t remember a second of the journey.
I feel like I was sitting in my head while life played out and I didn’t have a hand in it.
But, maybe that’s alright. It’s probably for the best. Had I gotten involved, I probably would’ve fucked it up. I would have taken one wrong turn, followed the directions of the wrong sign and somehow ended up in the middle of the Pacific ocean. I am grateful to be where I am. I just wish I could set autopilot on, go to sleep for a little bit, and wake up in my fully fledged and realized life, that way I wouldn’t have to worry about where I’m going.
Everyone worries about destiny. I think that’s what it boils down too – and whether you believe in a set destiny or you believe in free will, you have to realize that at the end of your life you will have made one set of decisions. You will have gone down a path and might not even know about the alternatives. There is a destination for us all, and while we choose where it lies, we WILL end up there – at the foot of our graves. And as I’ve stated, I do believe that things occur the way they should. I believe that any disorder will be ironed out and the universe has a way of getting where it wants to go and putting us on a path it thinks we should go. That gives me some solace – having a bit of faith in this great vacuum we all live in.
One day, we’ll all be found. No longer lost, just hanging around.
Here I stand, worried and concerned and screaming into the vacuum itself. But even though I’m scared, I know that I have a destination. I’m not driving down an endless road, there’s a place up ahead – however far – where I am supposed to be. It’s tiring, and stressful, but despite everything I know that one day we’ll all be found.
And when that day comes, when we stand out and look up at sky and realize that we have finally reached that destination, I hope that it brings us contentment. I hope we find joy in it. I hope that we will be there, no longer lost, and the fact that we’ve made it overwhelms us emotion – because there is no better place to be.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
– Brandon, 1:14 PM