Disposable Camera

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There’s a camera in the back of my closet
On top the faded photographs and written notes
Boxes covered with layers of dust
All of the letters that we sent back and forth
Remnants of what never was –
Echoes of those ghosts
Images burning away in my mind
Like they did in the grass
Fading in the air like the rising smoke
From the incense that we liked
The scent of it all
Still fills my room
And I’m doing my best not to associate the smell with you
And the songs that we sang
Still remain the same
But the words that echo throughout my head
Continue to change

 

I made an effort
To forget what sits alone
Ever waiting for me to look back
And reminisce about the forgotten bones
Of something I should’ve buried long ago
Do they understand that they have no use anymore?
As the days fall past I forget what I even had them for
Feelings change and regrets grow
I’m sure you and I both can still feel the sting
Of when we both learned what we now know
I don’t even care anymore –
It’s been so long ago
I don’t need to remember yesterday
All that matters to me is watching the dying flame
The falling wick of the candles –
The torn pages of words
Every promise that was made and every lie that I heard
The smoke will still rise
From that burning effigy of what once had been –
what is now no more.
The only piece left
Is that disposable camera on the floor
Undeveloped photos
Memories that I will never have to see
Ghosts that will never rise
Regrets that will never come to be
What’s left on the film means absolutely nothing to me
So just like us – disposable and not worth much at all –
It too can be lost to the smoke
Rising through the air, carried by the breeze
So I can forget
That I really did believe

No Sense

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All I want to do
Is see you
And I can’t understand why
I can’t keep myself from looking your way
It makes less sense
Than snow in July
But every time I look to you
I hope to catch your eye.
Though it doesn’t matter – it would never be
I’m in love with someone
And I’m supposed to believe
That I’m doing what’s best for me
There’s no mail on Sundays
No sun on a rainy day
It wouldn’t make sense to change
What is already set in place
To try to change the ways
That I’ll be left here, stuck with nothing to say

I don’t know why
I keep thinking about you
It makes no sense to me –
It’s like claiming the ocean is only ten feet deep
There’s no reason why
I keep picturing your face
I hear your voice
And all sense seems to leave
The sun doesn’t go around us
And the Earth doesn’t stand in place
And yet here I am
Sense gone without a trace
And I still have no clue
What I am to do
Meant to love something other than you
Still forced to believe
That I know what’s right for me
Other things still remain the same –
The rising of the sun,
The turning of the tides
Yet despite being so sure in these things
My feelings remain the most intense
In these things that make no sense

Heat Death

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The stars scream out in a song of infant fire
No more time left for a power any higher
Moving in a dance of renewal and change
Doing their best to tend the beat of the flame
Taking their time to give us the world
Carried upon their back –
Into the swirling light, out of the black
Fought away from the grasp of some cosmic megalomaniac

 

The universe moves its tide
Back and forth, the spirit moving in just to hide
They shake and swirl and billow
Singing a song of life’s gentle widow
Is God here – or was he ever?
Or was he just some poor fool’s hopeful endeavor?
Will life spring forth from his massive breath
Or is there just an eternity left beneath our immense depth?
Energy to energy, souls to dust
Will our spirits roam forever or be left to rust?

 

She sings out, the Mother of the light, so gently spoken
Trying to croon the great monster from being woken
All connected by the energy
Of life’s pure being
And the universe’s song
That she has sung for so long
One day, those dancing flames will grow old
And the stars will flicker out too
The galaxies will fold away
And Reality will be a perception untrue

 

Everything ends, every song has a final verse
The birds will cease – the men will end up worse
As will the trees, and the universe as well
It will end and begin again where it fell
And when the fire grows tall and out of control
And there is nothing burning but what’s left of our souls
The tide will pull us in
The energy will know what to do
As She sings her final lines, and everything ends
And we will all begin anew

Rotations

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Fall to the ground
Moving with the wind
Feel it like electricity on your back
As the bodies blend
Quiet, unmoving to all around
Fierce, and moving fast to those who dare listen
To the sound
Under our feet
How we spin
How we retreat
So inconsequential, not realizing how quickly we move
Watch how we begin
Rotations throwing us through the cold sand
Forgetting how to hold on or how to breathe
How to walk to dry land
From where we were
Guided by some invisible hand
Rotations biting through the ice
Throwing us into deep
Never stopping to stand still
To wake us from our sleep
How we move, walking through time
Trying to keep up with a forced unmoved
On this tight rope line
Trying to climb
The mountain of eternity – forged in diamond, burned in ash
But we still stand, relentless
Of how still we are.
Unable to feel the spin beneath us
Unable to try and hold on
Quiet beings on the scope of eternity
so we deny our turn
The movement of silent messages
Told through time
By endless rotations.

Ghost

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You are nothing but a ghost to me
And I run from you
Fearful of what your eyes can do
And you chase after me
With that fierce conviction
That you’re going in the right direction
Because when the moon is hidden
Behind grey clouds and rolling thunder
And no light is able to escape
From that empty chill under
God’s righteous fist
And the leaves crunch under heavy feet
As we try to catch our breath between fast and frightful sips
Of heavy night time air
And my chest burns and my eyes sting
And I collapse under the weight I cannot bear
You approach my body – dead for years, a whisper in the breeze, the sound of the wind in the trees –
And while I try to look away
You reach out to me
And you’ve seen my dreams
Where we’re alive and I believe
There’s no better place to be
And you know as well as I
That I will refuse to say goodbye again
I won’t come to your grave
And try to begin
To live as I die
As you lie
underneath.
Quietly sleeping – as you fade into the mist
With the sounds of gentle weeping
As the fog rolls across the hills and moonlit scape
No, I will not bargain
I will not wait
You’re nothing but a ghost to me
and in the cold, empty winter
I will still run from you
Wishing our paths didn’t have to splinter in two
That prayers would be answered
before I would have had to choose
And I see the clouds in the sky
And I beg God not to let the light break through
Because behind me, I’m still afraid of what your eyes can do

Generic Pop-Punk Love Song

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Oh, if only I could play the guitar
Strum a little tune for you
If only I could sing
This wouldn’t be a poem
You’d have to read
If only I could write
An angsty anthem of the night
That I knew that I loved you
This could be some heavy
Punk rock melody
And you could sing along
To your generic pop-punk love song…

If only this began with some bass
And a kick-ass drum solo
I’d be able to start crooning about a life without you
Is a life full of woe
I could tell you that I love you
With every raging word
And yell obvious metaphors to describe how much I miss you
Like I was Mark Hoppus
And this was Blink-182

I’d hide my desire to sing awkward, nervous lyrics
Behind those heavy pounding drums
In every catchy, stupid chorus
Every song would have some long, irrevelent title
That still turns out to be irrefutably clever
Like “Being in love with you is like having a cold, and baby, I’m under the weather”
And you’d hear the song, and think “Man, that title made no sense.”
But hey, honey –
I’m no Pete Wentz

But I don’t know how
To use a whammy bar
I can’t show you
The frets on a guitar
I’m no Billy Joe –
No punk rocker, I know –
I don’t know how to serve up a killer chorus
Or sing a song to you from the bleachers
Like an impromptu movie performance
I just know that I
Never want to say goodbye
And I just want to try
for you.

But who knows if I’d have any success?
Maybe it’s just a waste of time
Perhaps I’ll just end up on the floor
Chiming in, asking for someone to shut the damn door –
I don’t want there to be any misconceptions
You really are the only exception
One might even say you’re my paramore

But I can’t play the guitar
To make a melody for you
And I don’t know how to sing a song
That can stop you from feeling blue
I just know that I love you
And I don’t want to be without you

So I don’t care if it’s a generic pop-punk love song that does the trick
I really think you and I click
Or even a bit of quirky indie rock
I love you and I won’t stop
So words to a poem
Or lyrics to a song
I hope you can still sing along
To your generic pop-punk love song

Static

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I’ve got a couple of things on my mind
About the thing we have going on
And the reasons why
There seems to be so much time
Lying around, sleeping all day
Acting like we’re the same kind
I wanna know, darling –
Why you have to be so cruel
When all I wanna do
Is just let go of you
But I’m still sitting here
Acting like a fool
Allowing myself to be smothered
By your incompetent rule

Leave the static behind and give me a smoother sound
Come into my bed
If you’re just gonna stick around
Gotta prove a point to me
About why you gotta be
So sickly sweet
I don’t wanna be
So fucking deep
In this
Just in you
I want to let go
I want you to shut up
I just want to know
Why we can’t give up

Too many minutes in a day
Sunrise to set, morning to night
I just don’t think you’re quite my type
Acting like you’re some miraculous find
Acting like you’re not a waste of time
Unless you plan on sticking around
To lie around
And find your way on me –
Leave the static behind
We’re not the same
I’ve got better places to be

Needed Love vs. Wanted Love

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Not all love is equal.
I spent a year and eight months in a relationship with someone I loved dearly – but the love that was there was misguided. It wasn’t healthy. It was off-key and headed for all the wrong directions and based on so many things that love shouldn’t be based on, and overall… it was wrong. It was wrong to drag it out for so long.
I’m sure plenty of people face the same sort of circumstances. Loving someone for the wrong reasons, or staying for the wrong reasons, regretting so much time spent in a haze now that you can finally see clearly – I never thought twice about it. I was so sure that this relationship was where I was meant to be, so content with my own perception of destiny and my own fears of being alone that I forced something together that didn’t really even fit that well to begin with.

I cut off pieces of me to fit in with them. And this occurs to many people. This is because that I needed to be in love. I needed them to be in love with me. Regardless of what kind of relationship it was and how it affected us and the people around us, I needed it. We both did. And it was a catastrophe.
Love shouldn’t be based in need. I was lonely – a series of events and misguided choices had led me to a place where I shouldn’t have been and where I felt immensely out-of-place. I felt different and alone and like I was going to spend three years of my life stuck with just myself for company. I was depressed and anxiety ridden and a mess.
Then I met them. They were depressed and anxiety ridden and mess. We came together under the same sort of false understandings of destiny and how we thought life to work. We bonded over similar interests, including mental illness. We became close, and eventually we started dating – because they liked me, and I was lonely. And I was so happy to have someone who actually liked me and wanted to be with me, I jumped on it regardless of whether or not I truly felt like I wanted to be with them.
I needed that relationship dearly. I needed them. Over time, I do feel like I developed a wanting for them – I do think I valued the relationship as more than just an escape and self validation. But that feeling was frequently fleeting, and when it was just myself sitting alone and thinking about why I was there – I knew it was because I couldn’t bring myself to go anywhere else.

I was scared. I didn’t want to be alone again. I didn’t feel like I had many friends, I felt like I wasn’t noticed, I felt like I was just a mess relying on someone else who was also a mess to keep me company.
That wasn’t right, I realize now. It wasn’t right to keep something going for so long when I knew from almost the beginning what it was. But I cared for them, and I didn’t want to lose their friendship, and I didn’t want them to be alone either – so it made sense to just stay wallowing together.

Needed love accomplishes nothing. It creates nothing. It doesn’t build people or lets them grow – instead, it keeps them stagnant and complacent with whatever was going to come, and it makes them comfortable. So comfortable in what they have, that they don’t want to lose that sense of control for fear of spinning out of it.

Wanted love, on the other hand…
After I ended that relationship, I was content with my being alone. I enjoyed it, even. I liked the freedom. I liked the concept of being myself, not myself plus someone.
I truly felt like I would’ve been like that for a while. Because I truly was content being with just myself. And I felt like I had grown from that alone – and I knew I had made the right choice.

But there was someone who I had known for a while who came along – someone who I would’ve never guessed I would’ve ended up with. I enjoyed them. I enjoyed their company. I enjoyed who they were and what we were and for a while we were just… I have no clue. But my point is, is that eventually it grew into a relationship that I really wanted to be in.
I didn’t need it. If it didn’t happen, that was fine. I just enjoyed them so much and I liked them more than anybody and I wanted to be with them.

I feel content, in that section of my life. I find myself loving them in a way that I didn’t quite understand before. I want to love them, and I do, and it’s truly the best relationship I’ve ever had the pleasure of being in. And with the way it’s going, I hope it sticks around for a long time.  It seems like we want it to.
And I’m glad I have the opportunity.

I feel like I’ve grown quite a bit. I feel like I’ve found myself a bit more than I did before. I feel more content simply being myself and going through life as myself. Trying to fake it through may feel fine for a little while, but after a bit it’s just gonna drag you down. It’s okay to need time – just don’t try to lie to yourself about your intentions.
Relationships that are built on the desire to be with one another first and foremost, like I’ve finally found – I think it really helps. And at the end of the day, you really should be with someone you want to be with. Someone that builds up who you are, makes you into a better version of yourself than you were before, and really just makes life a joy to live in.
Destiny may or may not be real.
But there are things right before our eyes for us if we just take the time to look around.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

– Brandon, 2:24 PM

Behind the Curtain

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Scream a song of rain and water
Reach out to me from beyond the ocean
Call my name and preach your devotion
To the man behind the curtain
Restore that lost faith that you had in me
But never truly be certain
That this is where you want to be

Scream out, a song of flame and iron
Leave me to drown
And as I go under
Read from the gospel
Of that deadly belief
That there is more beyond the horizon
Then what your eyes can see
And that you’ll make your way up there
By giving up on me

I never preached my innocence
I never tried to plead against my fate
I quietly laid there – always content to wait
I could admit I was wrong and that’s more than can be said for you
Hiding behind the thin pages
Of some ancient, mistranslated text
Take my life
But leave me the rest
I’ll meet you again, someday
Fighting against the ocean’s tide
My prayers won’t ever be answered;
But at least neither will yours

And I’ll find comfort in that,
As I wash up on that dark shore
That as much as you want faith
Beyond the sea, behind the horizon  –
For you, there is nothing more.

One Day We’ll All Be Found

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Sometimes, it isn’t a matter of not knowing where I’m going, it’s just a matter of how I’m going to get there. I occasionally will look at where I am in life and wonder how the hell I got there – but I figure that if I am here and I’m alive and well than this must be where I am meant to stay. And that’s difficult, sometimes, if it differs from where I thought I’d be. I look around and see people and I think that they have such a good hold on their life. It seems like all these faces around me know what they want to do and how to get there and they’re just following the map down the road to their desired destination. I’m sure they too have issues and worries and fears – but from the outside, it’s scary to be in a place of struggle and uncertainty when your friends and peers seem to have such a grasp on where they want to be.

Here, at nearly twenty years old, I didn’t think I’d look like this. I didn’t think I’d dress like this. I didn’t think I’d be into the things I’m into. I didn’t think I would be at the job I’m at, have the friends I have, be in the relationship I’m in… and the thing is, I didn’t think a lot of this merely six months ago. I was a vastly different person just last year and while I enjoy where I am – I’m in the best relationship I’ve ever been in, I’m healthy and look better than ever, I have more opportunity than I probably ever have – what’s frightening is the fact that I have no clue how I got here.
I feel like I don’t remember a second of the journey.
I feel like I was sitting in my head while life played out and I didn’t have a hand in it.

But, maybe that’s alright. It’s probably for the best. Had I gotten involved, I probably would’ve fucked it up. I would have taken one wrong turn, followed the directions of the wrong sign and somehow ended up in the middle of the Pacific ocean. I am grateful to be where I am. I just wish I could set autopilot on, go to sleep for a little bit, and wake up in my fully fledged and realized life, that way I wouldn’t have to worry about where I’m going.

Everyone worries about destiny. I think that’s what it boils down too – and whether you believe in a set destiny or you believe in free will, you have to realize that at the end of your life you will have made one set of decisions. You will have gone down a path and might not even know about the alternatives. There is a destination for us all, and while we choose where it lies, we WILL end up there – at the foot of our graves. And as I’ve stated, I do believe that things occur the way they should. I believe that any disorder will be ironed out and the universe has a way of getting where it wants to go and putting us on a path it thinks we should go. That gives me some solace – having a bit of faith in this great vacuum we all live in.

One day, we’ll all be found. No longer lost, just hanging around.

 Here I stand, worried and concerned and screaming into the vacuum itself. But even though I’m scared, I know that I have a destination. I’m not driving down an endless road, there’s a place up ahead – however far – where I am supposed to be. It’s tiring, and stressful, but despite everything I know that one day we’ll all be found.
And when that day comes, when we stand out and look up at sky and realize that we have finally reached that destination, I hope that it brings us contentment. I hope we find joy in it. I hope that we will be there, no longer lost, and the fact that we’ve made it overwhelms us emotion – because there is no better place to be.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

– Brandon, 1:14 PM