I Am Not in Love With You

I am not in love with you
I am in love with an image in my head
Attached to a feeling that I craved
In a time that no longer exists
But I am not in love with you
For I do not know you.

I am not in love with you
With the person whose life I catch occasional glimpses of
The person who probably doesn’t remember who I am
Who has forgotten my touch
Like droplets of water becoming vapor against a hot pan
Whose shared memories meant as little to them
As it seems to have meant so much to me
For I am not in love with you.

I am not in love with you
I was in love with your bright eyes
That looked at me as if I was someone special
When I always felt like my life wasn’t even my own
I was in love with the indie music you played in your car
And how you drove down the wrong side of the highway
Yet the only thing we could do was laugh
I was in love with your cold skin
And the warmth of your kiss
That felt alien to me
Because I was no longer myself –
Now a part of another
But I am not in love with you.

I was in love with the way you made me feel
With the dreams that came when I thought of you
At that moment in time
As the person I once was.
But I am no longer that person
Those feelings are no longer my own
For I am not in love with you –
I am just in love with the memory I have of you.

Me, Myself, and I

It is clear that I am not the same person I was last week
Let alone last year
Facing different hurdles
Yet carrying the same fears
I don’t want to let go of the people
That once lent their voice to my head
For it seems I’m just stuck with myself instead

I don’t care much for my company
As I try to ignore my own thoughts
All the time spent trying to leave myself alone
It seems all of it was for nought
But it is clear to me that I won’t be the same person in a week
Let alone next year
Trying to be something more
Than just another rotating gear
There will be a time when there is a me
That is no longer me
And he will look back in introspection
On the person I wanted to be
And with any luck, it will offer a new perspective
He might miss what once was
Or hopefully love what he became
Because however many times I change
I never want to be the same

There are days where I get jealous of me, myself, and I
That I don’t get to experience the good yet to come
Or relieve the good that has already gone by
But I would rather be someone different
Every single day of the week
Then forever be someone
Who was too afraid to speak up
And only saw a world that was cold and bleak 

It is clear to me that I am not the same person I was last week
Let alone last year
But that is what it means to learn and to grow
No matter the person that was once in your mirror
Through the hurdles, the hardships, the fear –
Knowing that on the other side, there will always be a better version of you to appear.

The Passage of Time

The passage of time means little to me
Short passing waves of relativity
Flash hot in a second
Then leaves as soon as it goes
Leaving me slightly more weathered
Like a stone constantly caught in the midst of the ocean’s throes.

Time at all means little me
Morning to night or dusk to dawn
The crash and return of the sea
It never ends anyway – for I am but a moment caught in the tangle
Of what is, what may, and what will never be

Time was never time at all
Until it finally got its grip on me
She came into my life
And now time is all I see
A lifetime with her in my arms
Every year to pass by
Every minute I feel –
Because only the time spent with her is time that feels real

Whether years gone by in a rush
Or every second felt as it slows to a crawl
Whenever I’m with her, I want to feel it all
A life spent beside her is the only time I see
And that’s the only time that matters to me

The Thin Air on the 30th Story Penthouse Balcony

After-hours
Night time air grows thin
She’s left in the bedroom
Finishing her fourth glass of gin
There’s too many stars around
Yet not enough light
And this city that burns
Is far too bright
I could wait forever
For her to return to me
But her mind is caught up in a tangle
Of what her eyes may never see
And her hands get so shaky 
Trying to take her nightly pills
There’s too much anxiety
For the Klonopin to kill
She tries to sleep but the shadows are far too tall
The light stays on the bedroom until he finally decides to call
But the room is so high
He’s just trying to do the same
And the wind slaps his face
Trying to get him to see his shame
But he’s caught up in the moment
She’s drunk and barely conscious
And he’s flying and hardly anxious
She cannot move any further
So he falls into the sky
In that thin night time air he goes
He can almost hear her cry
As he finally sees what lies below

Winter

A poem.

Winter is never really Winter at all
When it’s still seventy degrees outside
And a friend is never really a friend
If in them you are unable to confide
I’d embrace the cold
if it would ever rear its dark, wet, melancholic head
Instead I’m fighting with myself
to take a shower and get out of bed
I’d take the wind chill
if it only meant that I’d finally be rid of you
But in Texas we don’t get Winter
And I still don’t know what to do.

I Met You in a Dream

A poem.

I met you in a dream
I couldn’t see your face
Beneath your body glow
But I was sure it was something beautiful
Someone I’d love to know
And I met you in a dream
Yet you didn’t speak a word to me
While I ranted and spoke in some otherworldly cacophony
And I met you in a dream
You were close and I was so far away
I’m pretty sure I loved you
But you told me that it was meant for other days
And just like that –
I was awake
What was given to me was still yours to take
And in those waking moments I still had such love
That I didn’t quite know how to release
I met you in a dream
And though I remember such melancholy
You snored and rolled over
And that’s when it came to me
It wasn’t some lost soul taunting me
With love that would never be
It was always you
Sleeping in our bed
Snoring lightly next to me
I smiled and was content as I gently kissed your forehead
Last night, in a dream, I saw you –
And the very next day my dream came true!

The Raging of the Storm

For Celena.

Too many words can be spent
On what’s better off unsaid
The same repetition of anxieties
The same hurricane raging in my head
Years flash by, leaving me uneasy –
Still looking at the path winding beside me
And fearing how unforgiving it can be to believe

But like ocean crashing over centuries
Washing the earth away in its tide
You fell over me
And made quiet my mind
The skipping of songs and the why and why-nots
You’ve calmed the worries that rage like storms
And you’ve remained in my thoughts

An anchor in the bay
Your love at the shore
A haze of days
I want you still just a bit more
Far too long I’ve focused
On those roads left unlit, unmarked on the map
Praying that someone else would take the first lap

Never did I think
I even had one more choice
Easy to scream
But not in my own voice
You’ve washed over me
Made quiet the storm
Years of fears and curled-up pain
I hardly even know what for
I looked to the horizon
I stood on the quiet shore
And there you stand with me –
The storm raging no more.

Edge of the Overpass

Floating in the overpass
I see your city through the fog
And I wonder if you see me
through pictures colored rose
or in some dark, corporeal dream
Just like you do.
Am I in your thoughts
or even in the shadows at your bedroom at night?

I wonder if anyone has over fallen off the edge –
of the overpass –
or of their thoughts.
Wanting a dream so bad
they forget the rest.

Through my windshield wipers
I can see your exit
But I’m sure the town
is as empty as you
So the rain pours on
as I drive forward

Winter, the Lover

(Open to Close)

It’s been cold for days
But that’s fine by me
I’d be numb anyways
I yearn for the violent wind
the punishing slaps to my face
the feeling of a thousand needles
I never get sick of the taste
I don’t want to walk
I don’t want to find a flame
Because I’ll just grow hot
And miss Winter my lover again
Her chill is so sweet
shattered glass on a carpet floor
blood stains the fabric
until you can’t feel anymore
She has me run to her
to feel her embrace
the flurries of dark wind
highways of empty space
no light in the distance
cities miles from the rearview
The windows rolled down
so she can tell me what to do

Two hands turn to one
one foot turns to two
as I pass eighty miles
just like she asked me to
I’ll only stop running
when I have a place to go
Alone in an empty apartment
or face first in the snow

I was never meant to make it
She told me that from the start
Warm from some other man
Because she got tired of a cold heart
No more anxiety, or worry
No more wondering left
She was like Winter
and I was, at best, blue
As I slept alone she told me
I should look the same on the outside too

One hand turns to none
Dim headlights turn to empty night
She howls from the window
“I’ll be yours forever – you know that it’s right.
Let me hold you on these empty roads.”

Winter was always there – the only lover I had ever chose
From the beginning to the end
Open to close.

 

Turn Right

Stuck on the highway between a semi and an oversized truck
Nothing left on the radio besides the terrible
and the so over played it sucks
I’m going twenty miles more than I should
Though my exit is only five away
And it kills me knowing that even though I’ll turn right
I could so easily drive right by

Wait until I find a better station, find a better song
Maybe just drive until I can admit to myself
that I know something wrong.
But you know as well as I
try though as I might
hours of miles or states away – I’ll never feel the same
All I do is turn right

I don’t know what it would take
After nights of rushing thoughts
and written admission a hundred ways
It doesn’t matter the time or place
It’s just not the same
I could run and hide and change my hair
Write a million words – no one would care
I’ll never go fast enough
to not still be me
and there’s not enough gas in the world
to change what I’m meant to be