Blind Faith

I envy those who can have it. The types of people who don’t need anything other than what they believe themselves to feel within – they don’t need reassurance, they don’t need evidence, they don’t need answers. They just understand. They believe they know.

And that’s enough.

Of course, this could be taken a multitude of different ways. Blind faith in a leader, or in an organization, or a religion – frequently a combination of all three. Or perhaps just the other side of the coin to anxiety – not having to worry about every single last little thing there is, and just knowing that all will be alright. Being able to close your eyes and let the universe take you – as it tends to unfold as it should.

I am not a religious man. After years of struggle and contemplation, I am an unswayed agnostic. I never could quite bring myself to make the delve into calling myself an atheist, only because I believe that it would be rather arrogant – I can’t say that there is a god, but who am I to say there isn’t at all? I don’t have the answers and I don’t claim to – I just have the information available and I use it to the best of my understanding.

I used to identify as a Christian. I did so right on this very blog, in a post talking about theocracy in America a couple years back. I am uncomfortable with that moniker – as I don’t like modern Christian thought in the slightest. I think Christians are rather un-Christlike. But I do know there are exceptions to the rule, to some extent – I currently date someone who would be categorized as an Evangelical Christian.

She’s not as hardcore when it comes to a lot of stuff. She’s politically liberal, as well. It’s just that her religious beliefs hang on that side, as do the majority of her family. She was raised in a home where it was taught as fact, with little outside influence. They’re also very traditional in their beliefs, unlike her – the fact that we live together outside of marriage is a particular point of contention, despite this being the year of our probably non-existent lord, 2017, and a rather common part of society.

The issue is, though, is that that doesn’t matter. Society doesn’t matter. The world doesn’t matter. Only the perceived word of god, timeless and everlasting.

Blind faith.

They don’t like me very much – her father is fairly accepting of me, her mom is a little further away – and her extended family just tries not to think I exist. It stings a particular bit more when my side of the family – also fairly religious – tends to accept her with open arms. Even my staunch Conservative grandmother who doesn’t like us living together loves her dearly. Yet her side doesn’t want much to do with me.

At what point does this become an issue, or does it at all? Can one enjoy a long-term relationship with such contention on one side due to a fairly significant difference? The plan is to marry this girl – but how can you go through a life together while also trying to constantly avoid a good chunk of family?

I wonder how it would go. I can spot little details already – if I tag her in a couple’s photo or something on Facebook where her friends can see it, her side of the family comments something about her, ignoring the fact that it was either posted by me or includes me. On the flip side, the side of her family that isn’t very religious tends to talk about us as a couple, as a group, as a union. It may seem trivial, but I find it to be an interesting comparison – and it really shows me that, despite it never being said out loud, the big elephant in the room to them is the religious difference.

Is it significant? To a degree, but is it completely unworkable?
I’d like to think not. Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes together real hard and when I open them back up, suddenly I understand why belief in a god is still incredibly relevant in modern society. It would honestly solve a lot of issues – both internal and external.

But as I’ve gotten older and strayed away from religion, the ability to have blind faith has withered away. Maybe it’s cynicism. Maybe it’s residual angst. Hell, maybe it’s just depression, back at it again. But I can’t stand and say that I know everything will be okay, that everything will work out right. That I’ll be fine and do great things and that my significant other’s side of the family hating me doesn’t affect me when it really does. That I could go to church and feel like a deity has my back and not feel like I’m screaming at a void.

I pity those with blind faith and other times – for different reasons – I wish that I had it.

If I don’t end up posting again before the new year, happy holidays.

Things may be rough and you may feel terrible, and that’s okay. You have a right to feel those things. You have a right to feel those emotions run through you and understand them. I don’t know what is inside your head, but just know that even though things seem so bleak and out of focus – you’re not cursed. You’re not alone. You are you for all that you are with some brain chemicals that are a bit out of sync.
At the end of the day – we’ll all be okay.

Even if takes a little longer for some than others.

 

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Dark Skies

I want to know
Why the light around us always seems fleeting
With every second I stand alone with you
I just want to see
Why there’s nothing here for me
And all that’s left is all I know
Two feet standing on the ground, and the pitter patter
Of the rain’s melodic fall
Drown me out
Pull me in
The dark skies are but the first signal of what’s just about to begin

Will I understand?
Come to terms with the situation here at hand?
These gray clouds and duller words
The crack of thunder is the only thing I ever heard
The horizon stays empty
As all the lights fade down
Left in the flood is all that we lost
And that we found
Look up to them –
Take it all in
Feel the trembling of the world
Underneath your frightful skin
Admit that the end of the world
Isn’t the end of sin
Crash and fall
Flash of the lightning’s crawl
The cooing of the wind turns to harsh screams
And all that’s left
Is what I refused to believe

A battle amongst the heavens
The black and gray versus the brightest blue
And the skies begin to dry
And nothing reigns supreme
As eternity looms nigh
And I cannot fathom the forever standing in front of me
As the trumpets start to blare
And when the people look above
You can see the light in the air
The skies ripple open and the seraphim ride through
Yet the end of all things
Is just something else to do
And they call to the masses
All that was and all that will ever be
Those who stood firm in faith
And those who could never believe
Yet I look above, alone as I was, and I know –
There will be nothing more for me

Heat Death

The stars scream out in a song of infant fire
No more time left for a power any higher
Moving in a dance of renewal and change
Doing their best to tend the beat of the flame
Taking their time to give us the world
Carried upon their back –
Into the swirling light, out of the black
Fought away from the grasp of some cosmic megalomaniac

 

The universe moves its tide
Back and forth, the spirit moving in just to hide
They shake and swirl and billow
Singing a song of life’s gentle widow
Is God here – or was he ever?
Or was he just some poor fool’s hopeful endeavor?
Will life spring forth from his massive breath
Or is there just an eternity left beneath our immense depth?
Energy to energy, souls to dust
Will our spirits roam forever or be left to rust?

 

She sings out, the Mother of the light, so gently spoken
Trying to croon the great monster from being woken
All connected by the energy
Of life’s pure being
And the universe’s song
That she has sung for so long
One day, those dancing flames will grow old
And the stars will flicker out too
The galaxies will fold away
And Reality will be a perception untrue

 

Everything ends, every song has a final verse
The birds will cease – the men will end up worse
As will the trees, and the universe as well
It will end and begin again where it fell
And when the fire grows tall and out of control
And there is nothing burning but what’s left of our souls
The tide will pull us in
The energy will know what to do
As She sings her final lines, and everything ends
And we will all begin anew

Behind the Curtain

Scream a song of rain and water
Reach out to me from beyond the ocean
Call my name and preach your devotion
To the man behind the curtain
Restore that lost faith that you had in me
But never truly be certain
That this is where you want to be

Scream out, a song of flame and iron
Leave me to drown
And as I go under
Read from the gospel
Of that deadly belief
That there is more beyond the horizon
Then what your eyes can see
And that you’ll make your way up there
By giving up on me

I never preached my innocence
I never tried to plead against my fate
I quietly laid there – always content to wait
I could admit I was wrong and that’s more than can be said for you
Hiding behind the thin pages
Of some ancient, mistranslated text
Take my life
But leave me the rest
I’ll meet you again, someday
Fighting against the ocean’s tide
My prayers won’t ever be answered;
But at least neither will yours

And I’ll find comfort in that,
As I wash up on that dark shore
That as much as you want faith
Beyond the sea, behind the horizon  –
For you, there is nothing more.

Pathways

I’ve been gone for far too long
Nothing in my arms but my Bible
and these old songs
that I would sing to you
Forgive my transgressions
and I’ll try to forgive you too
Like summer never ended
and you never left town
because there was nothing left to do

 

You always wanted to change
Leave the soft fields
Throw off your familiar shape
Never to forget where we were
or where we came
Just stuck between a draught
and a never ending rain
Our world was small
The mountains were traveled and seas had been explored
but I had you
So I never once yearned for more

 

The roads are still unpaved
Just dust and stone
and the unshakable feeling of being all alone
There’s nothing left for us anymore.
I’ve been walking for so long –
my head and my back stay so sore.
Lord, have mercy on this regretful soul –
this sentimental fool.
He knows I never once stopped thinking about you
I’ve been around a time or two
Yet my mind has never strayed.

 

I may have forgotten my psalms
Maybe I stopped saying my prayers
And though my faith has been steady
it hasn’t been fair.
I waited around
And you were never there.

 

The leaves turn to orange
Night comes quicker still
I’m still a sinner, I know –
I never seemed to get my fill
But I’ll keep straight – constant, like I do
And I’ll walk these dusty roads
For it isn’t just my weary head
That’s waiting there for you